Mojo Read online

  POTTS. Great night. Exactly. We’re fucking made.

  SWEETS. My life makes sense.

  POTTS. Go upstairs see if there’s an angel pissing down the chimney.

  SWEETS. My whole fucking life makes sense. (Pause.) Hold it. Hold it. We’ve not been told.

  POTTS. Makes no difference.

  SWEETS. Have you been told?

  POTTS. Have you been told?

  SWEETS. No.

  POTTS. Makes no difference. Go to the museum.

  SWEETS. Right. What?

  POTTS. Go down take a look at any picture Napoleon. Go take a butcher’s at the Emperor Half the World. And you’ll see it. You’ll see. They got a lot of blokes standing around. Doers. Finders. Advisors. Acquaintances. Watchers. An entourage.

  SWEETS. Big fuckers in fur boots. On the payroll.

  POTTS. Napoleon’s chums. And they’re all there. Sticking around. Having a natter. Cleaning rifles. Chatting to cherubs. Waiting. Waiting for the deal to come off.

  SWEETS. They weren’t there they wouldn’t have fuckin’ painted them.

  POTTS. Just cos now he’s got a big horse don’t mean he don’t need chums. He’s got big, they’ve put him on the big pony, his mates go – ‘Maybe Napoleon don’t want us around no more. Cramping him up. Holding him back.’ Cos one thing Sweets. They’ve put you in sealskin boots told you you’re Emperor, that’s when you need mates. Cos one day they’re gonna lift you back out, stand you in the snow watch your fucking toes drop off.

  SWEETS. Listen. Okay. All we know –

  POTTS. All we know is ‘Fish are jumping, and the cotton is high’.

  SWEETS. ‘Fish are jumping.’ Exactly.

  POTTS. ‘It’s a Nice Day’ and ‘Oh look the fish are jumping, and will you look how high that cotton’s got.’ Good. Good. The end. They’re going back to his.

  SWEETS. Tonight?

  POTTS. Billiards. They’re going to Sam’s house for billiards.

  SWEETS. Clover.

  POTTS. Knee-deep. Thrashing around in it. God spoke to me last night Sweets.

  SWEETS. Doesn’t surprise me an ounce.

  POTTS. God, said to me, ‘Do not be troubled Sidney for your ship is coming in. Yours is the racy big cock-shaped one over there going faster than the rest so just keep your mouth shut and wait.’

  SWEETS. Doesn’t surprise me an ounce.

  POTTS. He’s gone ‘Keep your mouth shut, unless your nose is in the trough, then open your mouth, and chew like fuck. That’s all there is chum.’

  SWEETS. You know what God said to me last night? He goes, ‘Sweets, There’s no God, do what you will, good luck, end of message.’

  POTTS. He’s got dyed hair.

  SWEETS. Who?

  POTTS. Sam Ross has got dyed hair.

  SWEETS. You’re kidding.

  POTTS. He’s took his hat off wham! Bright-yellow dyed hair. Not blond or nothing. Yellow. Like a banana.

  SWEETS. I never thought I’d know that. I never thought I’d know that detail.

  POTTS. Sweets. Sweets. The shoes. The motherfucking shoes on the man.

  SWEETS. Buckskin. Hand-stitched.

  POTTS. Baby buckskin. Baby fucking hand-stitched buckskin.

  SWEETS. Baby fuckin’ buckskin hand-stitched by elves.

  POTTS. Baby fucking buckskin.

  SWEETS. Baby what? Who knows? (Laughs.) Eh? Who fucking knows?

  POTTS. Something rare. Something rare and soft. Something young, can hardly walk, kill it, turn it inside out –

  SWEETS. Unborn pony.

  POTTS. That’s the one. Still attached. Still in the –

  SWEETS. Still in its mother’s womb.

  POTTS. Asleep in the fucking exactly. Wake it up, rip it out, lah-di-dah, pair of shoes. Bom. It’s over. I’m going out.

  SWEETS. You don’t like it? Who cares? I’m fucking paying.

  Feet on the steps.

  POTTS. Don’t say nothing. Fish are jumping.

  SWEETS. The cotton is high.

  Enter SKINNY with a broom. He is seething, furious.

  SKINNY (shouts). You cheap fucking sweaty fucking… fucking… Jew… fucking… (Pause. Lights a cigarette.)

  SWEETS. All right Skinny? What’s up?

  SKINNY. Nothing. (Pause.) I’m leaving. I’ve had enough. I’m telling Ezra. I’m going to get a proper job. I’m going to work in a bank.

  SWEETS. Oh yeah? Something gone wrong.

  SKINNY. You know the one in the dress with the thing up the back? We’re having a chat, she’s up for it, and Baby swans up, stands in here, close, and he does the thing with the… Says the thing about bad breath. The thing about that I’ve got bad breath. About my breath being bad. I get fifteen minutes free time, yeah, enjoy the night before the coats start leaving and he gives it the breath.

  Pause.

  I’m tickets at the door seven Saturdays in a row. Seven straight. ‘Skinny, you’re on the door.’ ‘Skinny you’re on coats.’ The juke’s fucked, who finds a spanner greases up his new shirt? ‘Skinny chum, mop this pile of sick up for two and six an hour.’ Yeah? Meanwhile, right, what’s he doing? What’s he doing? Oh look, he’s at the bar. Oh look, he’s leaning on the fucking bar. Is that Alan Ladd? No. I don’t think so.

  POTTS. Come here.

  He does.

  Breathe.

  He does.

  Skinny, your breath smells beautiful.

  SKINNY. Thank you.

  POTTS. It smells like English roses.

  SKINNY. What? Thank you. Thank you.

  POTTS. It’s a pleasure.

  SKINNY. Start of the night about five people in here, he comes up behind me on the door squeezes my bollocks. Not playful. Really gripping. And you know when you’re not crying but water comes to your eyes. (Pause.) Fucking night. What you doing up here?

  POTTS. Nothing.

  SKINNY. Fucking weekend. Where’s Ezra?

  SWEETS. He ain’t here. He’s gone home.

  SKINNY. It’s all right, you just sit up here have a natter.

  SWEETS. They all cleared off?

  SKINNY. That darkie’s still down there dancing on his own.

  POTTS. Chuck him out.

  SKINNY. You playing a game later?

  SWEETS. Dunno.

  POTTS. We’ll see.

  SKINNY. Is Baby playing? Because I’m not playing if Baby’s playing.

  SWEETS. Skin. Pop up the Half-Wops, get us all a frothy coffee, come back, then we’ll all play.

  SKINNY. Okay. I’ll go and get a coffee. I’ve had enough of all this. I’m going to get hurt. I might want to have children one day.

  POTTS. Go up the Half-Wops, come back, we’ll play.

  SKINNY. Fucking weekend. My piss is black.

  SWEETS. It’s the white ones. Don’t eat no more of the white ones.

  Blackout. Drumming.

  Scene Two

  Upstairs at the Atlantic. SKINNY is tied with his hands around the back of a jukebox, his pants round his ankles. BABY, naked from the waist up, wild, is wielding an old navy cutlass and screaming at SKINNY that he is going to die. The others are all appealing to BABY to stop, but BABY swings the cutlass around, pointing it at each of them in turn. SWEETS gets up on the desk, still shouting as BABY pushes the point against SKINNY’s cheek. Enter MICKEY.

  SWEETS is the first to spot MICKEY in the doorway. He calls to BABY over and over, and after the music ends it is a full ten seconds before the din subsides and SWEETS is just calling ‘Baby’ over and over, his eyes shut. Having won BABY’s attention, SWEETS indicates to the door.

  BABY. Oh. Hi Mickey.

  SKINNY. Mickey. Christ. Thank Christ.

  BABY puts the cutlass down. MICKEY walks to the blinds and opens them. Bright sunlight pours into the smoke-filled room. MICKEY opens the window. Sounds from the street.

  POTTS. Gonna be another corker Mickey. Look at all that sunshine.

  MICKEY just stands there.

  How’s your head cold Mickey?

 
SWEETS. Mickey, how’s your head chum? You feeling better chum? Bit more like it eh?

  MICKEY. Everybody having a good time?

  POTTS. Looks bad doesn’t it?

  SWEETS. Looks dreadful. Tell me how bad it looks. Tell me.

  POTTS. Last night Mickey! You should have been there.

  SWEETS. You missed a night. Like everyone’s birthday at once. Place looks like a palace.

  POTTS. One word. Sequins.

  SWEETS. I’m going to say one word now and it’s just been said… The fucking sequins.

  POTTS. Sequin after sequin after sequin. Sequins on the walls. Sequins on the ceiling. Sequins round the bar.

  SWEETS. Looks like Little Richard walked in and exploded.

  POTTS. I was saying only just now, wasn’t I Sweets. Underwater theme. ‘Ezra’s Atlantic.’ See, we noticed. The whole joint sparkles like the Briny Deep. Like Neptune’s cove.

  SKINNY. Hold it. Hold It. I say ‘Fuck the Decor’. I say back to the issue of Me Being Tortured.

  SWEETS. Look, this sprung from, you know, from circumstances. Game of cards. Few drinks. Few laughs. Few pills.

  POTTS. Great pills. Sweet’s pills.

  SWEETS. M’mum’s pills. Slimming pills.

  POTTS. You have to wolf hundreds but in the end…

  SWEETS. So. Few drinks. Few laughs. Few pills…

  POTTS. Then lots of pills.

  SWEETS. Our big mistake.

  POTTS. Giant Mistake. Turned sour see. Big up then a big dipper down. What’s the word? Emotional.

  SWEETS. Emotional. That’s Mum. Thin as piss but so emotional.

  POTTS. You’re up then ‘bing’ – (what’s the word?) ‘Jivey.’

  SWEETS. ‘Antsy.’ Antsy in the pantsy.

  POTTS. Puts the big gorilla monkey on your back. So. Few pills. Pale Ale. Big hand, it’s all tense, Skin here whips the King of Spades out his sock.

  SWEETS. Clean out his shoe.

  SKINNY. I swear. It fell on the floor.

  POTTS. I miss it, Sweets missed it, Baby sees it, he’s got Queens-over-eights. Nine fucking guineas lying panting on the table.

  SWEETS. And the rest is history.

  POTTS. Exactly. The rest mostly speaks for itself. So.

  SWEETS. So. That’s what happened. That’s what happened up until now.

  POTTS. Hold it. Hold it. (Beat.) My heart’s stopped.

  SWEETS. Breathe.

  POTTS. I can’t breathe. My heart’s stopped.

  SWEETS. Are you sweating?

  POTTS. I got no pulse.

  SWEETS. Take a white one.

  POTTS. I already had a white one.

  SWEETS. Have your feet gone dead?

  POTTS. Check.

  SWEETS. Prickly face?

  POTTS. Check.

  SWEETS. Pits pouring sweat?

  POTTS. Check.

  SWEETS. Take a white one.

  POTTS. You said –

  SWEETS. It’s up to you. Take a white one or die.

  POTTS. What about black piss?

  SWEETS. You want to be dead or you want black piss?

  POTTS takes one.

  Put your arms above your head and pant like a dog.

  POTTS holds his arms above his head. He pants. Pause.

  SKINNY. Mickey. What we were talking about in the van.

  POTTS. Bingo. I’m back.

  SWEETS. Welcome home. You should get a rush.

  POTTS. I’m getting a rush.

  SWEETS. Euphoria. Your body’s glad it’s not dead.

  POTTS. She’s going like a choo-choo…

  SWEETS. You’re glad to be alive.

  POTTS. Great to be me. Great to be me. This is a fucking great time to be me. I’m all right.

  SWEETS. Great night. Great night.

  POTTS. I’m better than all right. I’m fantastic. Great night. Great night. Hey Mickey. Mickey. Guess what? I saw this bloke sick up in his bird’s mouth.

  SWEETS. I saw that.

  SKINNY. Mickey. Enough. Remember what we spoke about in the van. And this isn’t for me. It’s for you. Fuck me. For you.

  BABY. This is advice you’re about to get Mickey.

  SKINNY. Advice? Are you Italian now? No. You’re not. You’re a Jew. Be one.

  BABY. He’s pulling them out his shoes, I’ll just lie down and take it eh?

  SKINNY. It fell on the ground. It falls on the ground you pick it up.

  POTTS. Baby. I think you have something to say to Mickey.

  SWEETS. Yeah, c’mon Babes and we can all get on with our fuckin’ lives.

  Pause.

  BABY. Uh, Skinny. (Laughs.) What are you staring at?

  POTTS. Charming. Charming. Baby –

  SKINNY. Fuck off.

  BABY. What, are you giving me the eye? Are you giving me the evil eye?

  SKINNY. You nothing fucking piece of dog’s plop.

  SWEETS. Baby –

  BABY. Because (excuse me Mickey). Because if you’re giving me the evil eye you’re doing it wrong.

  SKINNY. I fuck your mother and she shouts your name.

  BABY. Because you look like you love me. You look like you want to put your cock in my ear. Look away. Look away.

  SKINNY. Fuck off. I’m not playing.

  SWEETS. Drop it Baby. We’re all a bit honky-tonk.

  BABY. Lookin’ like you want to put your cock in my ear. Look away. Look at the floor.

  SKINNY. Big man. Big man.

  BABY. Look at the floor. Don’t look at me. Look –

  SKINNY. I’m going to get hurt here Mickey.

  POTTS. Oh this is helping. This is fucking perfect for a tired man with head cold to come back to work to.

  BABY. Sweets boy, put on something slow and evil. Mickey looks like he wants to dance.

  SKINNY. This is it. Mickey. You see? It’s time…

  BABY starts to leave.

  … Watch this. Watch this.

  MICKEY. Baby…

  BABY stops.

  Where you going?

  BABY. Well, Mickey, you know I thought I’d pop out and get a toffee apple.

  Pause.

  SKINNY. A toffee apple… What does that mean? For me it means Mickey you take it up the bum with a toffee apple you let me walk out of here. I don’t see how it could possibly refer to anything else.

  Pause.

  MICKEY. Go out the front. Don’t go out the back.

  SKINNY. Brilliant.

  MICKEY. Lock the door.

  BABY. I don’t have my key.

  MICKEY. Where is your key?

  BABY. I lost it. Dancing.

  MICKEY. Don’t go out the back.

  BABY. How’s your head cold Mickey? You feeling all right?

  MICKEY. Did you hear me? Don’t go out the back.

  BABY. Oh. Mickey, I forgot to say. I love the sequins. They make the whole night sparkle.

  Exit BABY. They untie SKINNY.

  POTTS. Hard-man act.

  SWEETS. Nutter act.

  POTTS. Complete fucking bollocks.

  SWEETS. Giving it the stare. Complete fucking bollocks.

  POTTS. You only do that when it’s bullcrap.

  SKINNY. Mickey, with the key bit. Did you hear? He lost it dancing… Eh? And some people get trusted with keys some don’t – You watch. Now we’ll get the till nicked and we’ll all stand around wondering how they got in. I get kicked in the shins, get my nuts squeezed. Now do something or don’t do something but it’s time to do something Mickey. It’s time to do something.

  MICKEY (low). Shut your fucking gob all right? Shut your fucking gob.

  MICKEY snaps the blinds shut.

  SKINNY. I’m sorry? Are you talking to me?

  MICKEY. What time did you leave?

  POTTS. Whassup Mickey?

  MICKEY. Shut up. What happened here last night?

  SKINNY. That’s fucking charming.

  SWEETS. Relax Mickey. It all went like a clock.

  POTTS. Look, Mickey you know what he’s like, h
e’s talks a lot. Chat. I’ll make sure this don’t happen again.

  MICKEY. Fuck all this. You stupid cunt. We’re finished.

  SWEETS. It’s not that bad. Take a minute to clear up.

  POTTS. What’s up Mickey.

  MICKEY. What’s up? What’s up? Ezra’s dead.

  Everything stops.

  SWEETS. Something… uh… (Pause.) Something happen Mickey?

  MICKEY. Yeah. Yes. Something happened.

  Pause.

  POTTS. He’s fucking what?

  SWEETS. You said that Mickey. You said he’s dead.

  Pause.

  MICKEY (trembling, quiet). Jesus fucking Christ.

  Silence. Then, all at once.

  OMNES. Oh Jesus. Jesus, Jesus fucking Christ.

  Pause.

  Jesus. Jesus Christ.

  Pause.

  SWEETS. What’s happened Mickey?

  MICKEY. I don’t know.

  Pause.

  SWEETS. Okay. Can I ask you something? We’re all going you know… going… bit honky-tonk, and and and and and things are pretty going pretty fast here now to be honest and I feel you know I got my fucking heart flutters and everything –

  SKINNY. Okay. Okay. Take it back. Take it back to before.

  MICKEY. I got a call.

  SKINNY. Are you sure?

  MICKEY. I got… Of course I’m fucking sure.

  SKINNY. Why didn’t you fucking say?

  MICKEY. It’s… Why the fuck do you think? You’re all sitting here going sixteen million –

  POTTS. Mickey –

  MICKEY. You’re all… You fucking prick.

  SKINNY. I’m sorry.

  MICKEY. You’re all doing six million miles an hour yap yap yap. You bunch of fucking children. Don’t give me any mouth.

  Silence.

  SWEETS puts his hands on his knees. He dry vomits.

  POTTS bends over and sticks his fingers down his throat.

  SWEETS. I got no sick.

  POTTS. Put your… Stick your fingers down your throat. Tickle that thing at the back.

  SWEETS Got to… hang on.

  POTTS. Tickle that bit that hangs down… the fuckin’…

  SWEETS. I got no sick. I’ll… just be a minute. Just get back on the flat.

  SWEETS and POTTS try to vomit. Nothing happens. Silence.

  SKINNY. What did they say Mickey? When they rung.

  Pause.

  MICKEY. They said ‘You’re finished.’

  SKINNY. ‘You’re finished.’

  MICKEY. They said ‘You’re finished’ and ‘Look in the bins’.

  SKINNY. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. We’re fucked.

  Pause.